Myself and alcohol have a strange, attached relationship. Similar to an ex one can’t seem to let go of. We break up. Life happens. They double back. We let them then breakup again.
What a cycle.
My last sobriety stint lasted three years after prayers to God had been answered. The saying He doesn’t come when you want, but is always on time is true. A bad argument with an ex (here we go again) led me down an alcohol free path.
I can’t say my life did a complete 360 during those years. I felt better, physically. No more waking with a slight headache or in a daze. Financially more dollars stayed in the pocketbook. And socially I’d learned fun could be had sober.
Perhaps the most surprising revelations from having mental clarity were the possible causes of why I loved to drink in the first place. To an extent my ex was a trigger. But, I also come from a line of drinkers in my immediate family. My father was a drinker. His grandfather was a drinker. Maybe scientific evidence of alcoholism or some dependence on it being hereditary was true in my case. Something I hadn’t considered before.
There was no extreme incident that led me out of sobriety. For my 40th birthday I’d planned a small gathering with guests whom I knew enjoyed adult beverages. There was plenty leftover. Unwilling to allow them to go to waste, I carried the drinks home and downed them day after day. Just like that I was back to my old habit.
It’s been six years since I broke my sobriety. Bottle after bottle. Can after can. Convincing myself how I deserve to have a drink or two or three, after a hard days work. The reality was goals I’d set weren’t getting achieved. And being under the influence heightened my agitation towards things and people who agitated me.
So once again I became sober. Cold turkey like the last stint. Alcohol was replaced with Cranberry juice. The time spent sipping and scrolling transitioned into writing and starting my own website time. My emotional bandwidth has stretched too. No more lashing out at the smallest inconveniences.
While visiting my mom one day I told her I’d given up alcohol.
“For good?”, she asked face lit up.
“I want it to be,” I replied.
Currently, I’ve been sober about three months. Fully aware that with any disease or addiction relapse is possible. In challenging moments the urge to drink does arise. But I resist.
What keeps me sober is the reminder of how I feel, act, and respond under the influence. And how counterproductive it is to my goals, plans, and dreams.
To 2025 becoming sober and beyond.