To have a friend, be a friend is sound advice. But what if you’re too good of a friend?
Roughly nine years have passed since seeing or talking to a childhood friend. We grew up across the street from one another, spending summer days and weekends at each others houses rocking out to music, gossip, and board games. Her family was my family while visiting her and vice versa.
The last time I’d seen or spoke to her was around her mother’s funeral. My mom and I both attended. She called me each day after her passing. I was happy to answer and talk to her until she ended the conversation. Then one day I called and received the disconnection message. I haven’t heard from her since.
On occasion my mom asks if I have heard from her. The answer is the same each time. “Well, everyone grieves differently, you know? Maybe you should try reaching out to her.”
In response I had to remind my mom of how I was there for her through thick and thin with the passing of her mom and sister, who had passed six months before her mother. And that I went through a divorce alone the following year. “You gotta be a good friend to me too,” I said. Mom agreed and pivoted the conversation.
This friend isn’t the only one who has ghosted me. From my hair stylist of twenty years to other close friends who vanished leaving me confused. I didn’t recall having said or done anything offensive or out of pocket. All I knew was that for the duration of our friendship, I was the loyal, supportive friend I’d want in return.
Life happens. People grow, relocate, marry, have children. Some of us lose a parent, partner, or heaven forbid a child. Some people are in our lives for a season.
But for a true friend, there is no season. No abrupt cut off outside of death.
Growing older and more reflective has birthed the conclusion that some people you thought were your friends, weren’t. And that they didn’t see you as a friend to the extent you saw them as a friend. Some of us give everything we have to who we like and love because those feelings don’t come often or easily.
To loyal people, the word friend is a serious and strong one not given freely. For those we assign “friend” to is literally to the end from our perspective.
Unfortunately, as we age and lose friends, it becomes difficult to find new ones. Not because we are not a friend but because good, genuine friendship is hard to find and cultivate.
Sometimes good people are too good to and for most people. And we must learn to be okay with that.